I did not wake up this morning and expect Blow Pops to be the talk of the town, but here we are.
Frankly, it would’ve been bizarre if I anticipated this. Just every day I’m like, “Today’s the day: Blow Pops are stealing the news cycle.”
However, thanks to Jazz Chisholm Jr. of the New York Yankees rocking a Blow Pop in his cheek during a game, it has gotten me thinking about how, if Blow Pops are considered “unprofessional” to eat during a game, then what candies are okay?
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Personally, I saw nothing wrong with the Blow Pop, but others did, and I think one of the greatest things about baseball is that you’re allowed to crush snacks — mostly sunflower seeds, if we’re being honest — during the game.
It harkens back to my days of Little League when I’d sit in the dugout to be taught a lesson after making an error the previous inning on a sweltering summer day, practically mainlining Sour Skittles between wads of Big League Chew.
Those were the days…
Jazz was still chasing that same (sugar) high, so let’s see what can get the job done…
Let’s start with a solid candy that is absolutely not going to fly on the diamond, and that’s Fun Dip, or, as our elders call it, Lik-M-Aid.
It’s a fine candy — in fact, I’m a fan of the entire Wonka oeuvre — but this would get you benched so fast if you cracked open a packet while standing at second base.
This is mainly because this is one of the few candies that requires a tool and two hands. That’s a non-negotiable. You need one hand to wrangle that weird, vanilla-y piece of chalk and another hand to hold the little seasoning packet of sugar that you dip it into.
Of course, if two of your hands are busy Fun Dip-ping, which hand does the glove go on?
Also, I feel like with all the dust flying around, you’d end up with a stick coated in dirt.
As soon as I saw Blow Popgate unfolding, my first thought was, someone should introduce Jazz Chisholm to Razzles because I think this whole controversy could’ve been avoided had he been privy to them.
Clearly, he likes the idea of candy that transforms into gum, and Razzles does this without the telltale stick that got him some heat.
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The only problem with Razzles is that they’re an average candy that morphs into bad gum. It runs out of flavor before you can even say the word “flavor.”
It can’t match the 30 seconds of magic a Blow Pop provides, from cracking through the candy shell to chewing the last bit of flavor out of the gum, but it’s a lot more convenient.
Honestly, you shouldn’t eat these anywhere because they’re trash.
I’m a big licorice guy, and in the Twizzlers-Red Vines debate, I’m firmly in the Twizzlers camp.
Why? Because I’m partial to candy that tastes good, not like I’m eating a Yankee Candle.
Anyway, you might think that a Twizzler’s length would make it a problem out on the ballfield, but I actually think it may be a solid option, and that’s because you can eat it without hands.
Sure, you need one of your mitts to put it in your mouth, but once it’s there you never have to touch it again. You simply jog out to your position with it hanging out of your mouth, and then you let your prehensile, giraffe-like tongue do all the work, lifting and pulling it farther and farther into your mouth as you eat.
Voila! Your hands are free to field a grounder, sign an autograph, do whatever.
Of course, having six inches of Twizzler sticking out of your mouth might be deemed unprofessional, but at least your hands are free.
I think if you’re looking for a candy to eat on the ballfield, look no further than the gummy branch of the Candy kingdom.
Worms, bears, sharks, peach rings, Swedish Fish, Sour Patch Kids, various novelty gummies like cheeseburgers and sushi bento boxes, etc.
Grab one (or a handful) in the dugout, let them vibe in your cheek like the chewing tobacco of old and chow down on one from time to time.
No stick, and there’s no chance of you cracking a tooth on a hard candy like a jawbreaker (the most violently named candy there is) or a Jolly Rancher.
That’s on-field covert candy-eatin’ at its finest.
