Apparently, we need experts to teach us how to walk now

Every day, tens of millions of Americans walk. Some walk to the kitchen, others walk to the bathroom, and plenty make the familiar trip back to the kitchen after forgetting what they went there for in the first place. The more adventurous, in search of a little exercise, head outside for a stroll around the block.I enjoy a good walk myself. But after reading about the latest method, I have to ask a critical question: Have we all been walking wrong this entire time?By next spring, expect the arrival of Scandinavian Sitting Down, a Nordic method that involves placing your buttocks on a chair when your legs feel tired.You see, researchers in Japan have found that deliberately alternating between slower and faster walking can improve aerobic fitness, leg strength, and blood pressure more effectively than simply walking at a steady moderate pace. Hence the latest viral craze sweeping the West. Japanese walking involves three minutes of relaxed walking, followed by three minutes of faster, more vigorous walking. You repeat the process for about 30 minutes. It’s formally known as Interval Walking Training, which makes it sound infinitely more impressive than “walk normally, then go a bit faster.”The saber-tooth protocolHumanity has survived famines. It has endured plagues and savage wars without a digital timer strapped to its wrist, telling it when to put one foot in front of the other. Yet today, millions of supposedly sane adults in America and beyond subscribe to services that tell them to speed up for 180 seconds. Our ancestors accelerated when a saber-toothed tiger chased them and slowed when the tiger disappeared. They called it staying alive.The absurdity extends far beyond walking. The entire self-improvement industry rests on taking an ordinary human function, giving it a very fancy name, and selling it as a revolutionary lifestyle breakthrough.When you eat smaller portions, you’re not practicing moderation. No, you’re engaging in the fine art of portion control. If you skip breakfast because you slept through your alarm, you’re practicing intermittent fasting. Should you fall asleep on the couch on a Sunday afternoon, you’re not taking a nap. Instead, you’re practicing a form of Non-Sleep Deep Rest.The obsession with rebranding even the most basic things stems from deep-seated collective insecurity. Modern culture distrusts anything that lacks an instruction manual or a monthly billing cycle.Linguistic inflationWhen you step outside your front door to observe an oak tree, you’re forest bathing. Taking the stairs instead of the elevator is known as incidental exercise. Drinking a glass or two of water when you feel thirsty has evolved into a hydration protocol, complete with a gallon jug marked with motivational quotes to ensure optimal cellular fluid retention.Going to bed at 10 p.m. on a weeknight used to be called common sense. Now it’s called sleep hygiene. And naturally, getting a good night’s sleep requires blue-light-blocking glasses, a weighted blanket, and enough magnesium to stock a small pharmacy.Sitting near a window at 7 in the morning is circadian activation. Taking a 10-minute break from your computer screen is deliberate recovery.In the 1920s, if a laborer needed a breather, he sat down on a crate and smoked a pipe. A century later, an office manager hires a certified consultant to teach him breath work, which involves inhaling through the nose and exhaling through the mouth.The linguistic inflation is out of control. Sitting on a chair without looking at your phone for a few minutes is mindfulness. Writing about your annoying boss and even more annoying neighbor in a notebook is journaling. Drinking a mug of black coffee before going for a jog is pre-workout supplementation.Vacuuming the living room and carrying heavy laundry baskets down to the basement is functional fitness. Throwing a ball around with your son in the back yard is active family bonding. Jumping into cold water is aquatic cardiovascular conditioning. Staring at nothing in particular for 10 minutes is dopamine detoxing.RELATED: Rare disease? Chronic illness? Fame awaits as a ‘sickfluencer’ Getty ImagesWellness wordsmithsInfluencers have built multimillion-dollar digital empires by doing little more than glancing at the dictionary, grabbing an everyday word, and replacing it with something that sounds like a medical diagnosis.The goal is to make you feel fundamentally incompetent at simply existing. If breathing, sleeping, walking, and drinking water require a life coach and a six-week online seminar, you’re permanently broken without their intervention.Things are bad now, and they’ll likely get worse. By next spring, expect the arrival of Scandinavian Sitting Down, a Nordic method that involves placing your buttocks on a chair when your legs feel tired. By autumn, wellness retreats will charge exorbitant fees to teach corporate clients the ancient art of Korean Going to Bed. This esoteric eastern practice involves shutting your eyes in a dark room until you fall asleep.The solution to this nonsense is pretty simple. And more importantly, it’s entirely free. Put away the stopwatch. Delete the tracking apps; ignore the snake-oil salesmen online. Go outside. Put one foot in front of the other, and walk at whatever speed feels comfortable until you decide to stop.