The Flagler County Sheriff’s Office has accused a Florida man of coming up with a plan to beat his court-ordered drug test. Executing what on paper might look like a good plan proved to be difficult.
His first mistake was climbing behind the wheel on July 14 and driving to submit his urine sample. A deputy stopped James Shepard, 52, as he pulled in, because according to the sheriff’s office, his license is suspended.
That’s a violation of the felony probation he was serving for multiple burglaries and thefts, News 6 reports. He was arrested on charges of violating probation and taken to jail in the back seat of a patrol car.
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“Driving on a suspended license was crime number one,” according to the sheriff’s office. “Crime number two was strapped to his groin.”
What Shepard had strapped to his groin was what the sheriff’s office referred to as a “jerry-rigged Whizzinator.” It was constructed of a fake bladder that had fake urine in it.
There was a heating pad wired to it and a fake penis attached. For comedy’s sake, I hope he went large with the fake attachment. That detail isn’t mentioned, but thanks to the camera in the patrol car, there’s video evidence of him ditching the device.
After complaining of a shoulder injury and having the handcuffs moved to the front, he is seen reaching in his pants until finally removing and tossing the “wet wiener on the floor.”
When the deputy found the Whizzinator, Shepard said it wasn’t his. The video appeared to contradict his claim, and he’s now facing charges of driving without a valid license, violating his probation, defrauding a drug test, and tampering with evidence.
“This pee-brain dirtbag had already been given the deal of a lifetime, walking around on community control when he should have been sitting in a prison cell for almost a decade,” said Sheriff Rick Staly.
“Shepard terrorized our home construction businesses and had stolen enough appliances to open an appliance store but was only sentenced to community control when his own sentencing scoresheet had him eligible for a minimum of 9 years in prison. Now he has a stream of new charges after flushing away a second chance to turn his life around. Instead, he tried to trick the system. Now he needs to go to prison!”
Who knows how it all would have gone down had Shepard had someone else drive him and the Whizzinator to his court-ordered drug test. As it is, he’s being held without bond.
