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There’s good news for wrestling toy collectors as Mattel revealed at WWE World in Las Vegas Series 3 of its LJN-inspired WWE Superstars line. Included in the latest set are Jake “The Snake” Roberts and “Rowdy” Roddy Piper, recreated to match their original 1980s LJN releases.
Also in the lineup is The Rock, for whom Mattel did a great job capturing his signature pose during his reign as the WWE Champion.
And then there’s Jelly Roll.
No, you read that right. This ain’t a late April Fool’s joke or a random rib. Freakin’ Jelly Roll, the country music star turned wrestling’s wise sage and badass, is also part of the set.
Make. It. Stop.
Some of you may be too young to remember this, but Jelly Roll feels like the modern equivalent of The Great Gazoo, the meddling green alien who derailed The Flintstones. Others might call him Poochie.
In fact, that’s exactly who Jelly Roll is: Poochie.
In an episode of The Simpsons, The Itchy and Scratchy Show is on the verge of getting canned when Poochie is introduced as a hip new character to boost ratings. However, he is widely rejected and fatally written off soon after.
While I don’t want Jelly to suffer the same fate as Poochie (Google it, kids), he needs to go.
Before I get too deep, let me say this. I know he’s a passionate wrestling fan. Personally, as someone who’s fought the battle of the bulge a time or two, I give him all the credit in the world for losing almost 300 pounds. As a character on a wrestling show, he is likable — in small doses. If he came around from time to time, I wouldn’t even be writing this.
The problem is he’s now a regular on SmackDown. He has no athletic background and zero athleticism. Recently, he went one-on-one with Kit Wilson, who deserves to go into the WWE Hall of Fame this year for making their match somewhat passable.
And, oh by the way, Jelly won.
But last week was the kicker. Literally.
After getting RKO’d by Randy Orton, Jelly confronted Pat McAfee, asking Pat if he ordered the hit on him. McAfee didn’t say yes, just that he told Orton to RKO everyone. Jelly admitted that he shouldn’t have come between Orton and Rhodes, his two friends, but said neither should McAfee.
He then asked McAfee, “Why are you here, Pat?”
I think a better question is, why are you still here, Jelly?
Oh, right. Ticket sales and whatnot.
As the scene grew heated, SmackDown GM Nick Aldis stepped in, and Jelly shoved Aldis before shouting at McAfee, “I don’t work here.”
Damn straight, so why are you shoving SmackDown’s boss, J-Roll? You don’t go here.
Even before this, Jelly was on my last nerve. During a backstage segment with Rhea Ripley, Jelly, who admitted he wasn’t a wrestler, was giving her words of encouragement like he was Mr. Miyagi. My guy, you are not Miyagi-san. You’re more like that awkward kid Daniel LaRusso knocked over early in The Karate Kid.
I know. More dated references. I’m old. Not sorry.
There are rumors that Jelly will end up teaming with Rhodes, possibly at Backlash in May, to face McAfee and Orton. That means he’s sticking around and will probably have some involvement in Orton and Rhodes’ Undisputed WWE Championship match at WrestleMania 42.
If it’s gotta be this way, it’s gotta be this way. But I hope Orton takes him out in the most kayfabe-ish violent way imaginable, and we don’t see Jelly again until WrestleMania comes back to the States.
I don’t think I’m alone, and if arena-goers start booing him to the high heavens, I don’t think that’s gonna help his brand as a musician.
But what do I know? I’m just some guy who’s watched TV for more than 40 years and seen countless characters ruin once great programs and get stuck with the forever stench of “show-killer.”
